🤣 Family-Friendly Jokes

[Catweazle]

[Catweazle]

Working from home

[digitrance]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I just deleted all of the German names from my phone. Now it's Hans free.

What's the difference between a "hippo" and a "Zippo"? One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means, "me".

A guy just threw milk at me. How dairy!

The other day a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Steaks are a rare medium well done.

The midget psychic who excaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

Never run with bagpipes. You might get kilt!

I buy all my guns from a guy named, "T-Rex". He's a small arms dealer.

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

A new neighbor told me that when he moved here he had to leave behind a Swedish car, which he loved. I told him I didn't want to hear his Saab story.

I wanted to tell an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were already exhausted.

I would tell you a joke about UDP, but I'm afraid you wouldn't get it.

[Pesala]

Winner of the 2021 Turnip Prize

[digitrance]

@pesala Groan, took me a few seconds...

[TbGbe]

@digitrance Took me a LOT longer!!

[Catweazle]

[Pesala]

@tbgbe You may be more familiar with the Turner Prize. The Turnip Prize is run by a pub in Cornwall.

The Turnip Prize organiser, Trevor Prideaux said: "I am delighted with the lack of effort taken to create this work.

[TbGbe]

@pesala I knew that, it was the "pun" it took me time to decipher!

[Pesala]

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

[Catweazle]

The 10 golden rules to procrastinate

1 -

[TbGbe]

@catweazle Is that binary?

[WildEnte]

@tbgbe no its not. Hint: if you need to wait for a very, very long time, then @Catweazle is relatively strictly following rule 1 of procrastination.

[WildEnte]

Fun fact: the Merriam Webster dictionary returns 0 hits when searching for the word gullible

[TbGbe]

@wildente Sigh
Sarcasm (and referencing other jokes) is a dying art!

There are 10 types of people in this world...

[WildEnte]

@tbgbe the leap was too big for me. Just a duck that quaks. I'm one of those 10 kinds of people I guess.

[leo32345]

When I was in 7th grade, my social studies teacher was telling us about her dogs on the first day of school. She said "This one is kind of a bully", then chuckled as she was walking by the "bullying is never okay" poster in the classroom.

[Catweazle]

Good old times

[MoonDawg]

Markets drop over a 1000 points after Elon Musk takes a dump.

[Pesala]

• When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I.
• When two dentists meet, it is a tooth for a tooth.