🤣 Family-Friendly Jokes

[Catweazle]

Guide Cat

[Pesala]

• Where does Sarah Palin come from?
• Alaska
• Will you?

[Catweazle]

There is somthing wrong with the Vivaldi QR code generator

[MoonDawg]

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes! Yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say "Yes" or did you say "No?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes! Yes I will! And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

[Pesala]

Funny Signs

Source

• Astronauts use Linux because you cannot open Windows in space
• 87% of Gym members don't know it is closed
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure
• Two silk worms were in a race, it ended in a tie
• Ants are healthy because they have antibodies
• I went bald, but I kept my comb. I just cannot part with it
• Don't give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
• I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y
• Having a dog named shark at the beach was a mistake
• Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
• Just sold my homing pigeon for the 22nd time on E-bay.
• I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.
• Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak
• Geology rocks, but Geography is where it is at
• Psychic conference cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

[Catweazle]

[Catweazle]

[Catweazle]

Working from home

[digitrance]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I just deleted all of the German names from my phone. Now it's Hans free.

What's the difference between a "hippo" and a "Zippo"? One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night, day.

Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means, "me".

A guy just threw milk at me. How dairy!

The other day a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Steaks are a rare medium well done.

The midget psychic who excaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

Never run with bagpipes. You might get kilt!

I buy all my guns from a guy named, "T-Rex". He's a small arms dealer.

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

A new neighbor told me that when he moved here he had to leave behind a Swedish car, which he loved. I told him I didn't want to hear his Saab story.

I wanted to tell an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were already exhausted.

I would tell you a joke about UDP, but I'm afraid you wouldn't get it.

[Pesala]

Winner of the 2021 Turnip Prize

[digitrance]

@pesala Groan, took me a few seconds...

[TbGbe]

@digitrance Took me a LOT longer!!

[Catweazle]

[Pesala]

@tbgbe You may be more familiar with the Turner Prize. The Turnip Prize is run by a pub in Cornwall.

The Turnip Prize organiser, Trevor Prideaux said: "I am delighted with the lack of effort taken to create this work.

[TbGbe]

@pesala I knew that, it was the "pun" it took me time to decipher!

[Pesala]

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

[Catweazle]

The 10 golden rules to procrastinate

1 -

[TbGbe]

@catweazle Is that binary?

[WildEnte]

@tbgbe no its not. Hint: if you need to wait for a very, very long time, then @Catweazle is relatively strictly following rule 1 of procrastination.

[WildEnte]

Fun fact: the Merriam Webster dictionary returns 0 hits when searching for the word gullible