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    • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

    • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

    • I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

    • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

  • Pet for @GwenDragon

  • @catweazle 😛 Why would a dragon keep a pet dragon? Dragons keep pet-humans I imagine.

  • Moderator

    @luetage Not a dragon, but a firebat. Like people keep monkeys as pets.

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  • Ah, OK


    Safe driving through only possible with vertical barrier
    (Vertical means when the tip is up)

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  • Learn to mix drinkable coctails XD

  • Nothing like a job well done ...


  • *  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    *  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    *  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    *  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    *  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    *  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    *  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in  France  would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    *  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    *  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    *  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    *  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    *  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    *  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    *  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    *  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    *  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    *  A backward poet writes inverse.

    *  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    *  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

    *  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    *  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    *  Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    *  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did!

  • A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  • Baby Boomers Then and Now:

    Then: Killer Weed
    Now: Weed Killer

    Then: The Grateful Dead
    Now: Dr. Kevorkian

    Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
    Now: Getting a new hip joint

    Then: Mood Stones
    Now: Kidney Stones

    Then: Moving to California because it’s cool
    Now: Moving to California because it’s warm

    Then: Screw the system!
    Now: System upgrade.

    Then: Peace Sign
    Now: Mercedes Logo

    Then: Getting your head stoned
    Now: Getting your headstone

    Then: “Going blind”
    Now: REALLY going blind

    Then: Long hair
    Now: Longing for hair

    Then: Father Knows Best
    Now: Go ask your mother!

    Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut.
    Now: Children begging you to get their head shaved.

    Then: Acid rock
    Now: Acid reflux

    Then: The perfect high
    Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

    Then: Keg
    Now: EKG

    Then: Take acid
    Now: Take antacid

    Then: VW Microbus
    Now: Voyager Minivan

    Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
    Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids

    Then: Passing the driving test
    Now: Passing the vision test

    Then: Seeds and stems
    Now: Roughage

    Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
    Now: Popping joints

    Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
    Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

  • The pessimist - Nothing can go worse
    The optimist - Of course it can


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